literature

i think about you when i puke:

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silklilies's avatar
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Literature Text

july is hot, the earth drips gold and poetry
my fingers pressed down to alleviate

a night of emotion and movement
that i will empty into lilac fields of numbness and indifference, still

the quiet and the calm
my mind roaming from good and sweetness

to strapping my shoes on and leaving,
leaving and sneaking in and heaving,

heaving with my words churning up:
fuck you, fuck them, fuck him, fuck her.

nothing's beautiful here, i say in my mind
and i mean it, i mean it, i mean, what else could i think--

why feel when you can bleed?
why eat when you can puke?

why dream when you can ache?
why love when you can fuck?


on the terms of addiction i am well versed, and they know this
they tumble my nicknames, my name,

hannah becomes heroin,
my red hair and i ascending, too beautiful

and i'm spilling out, slicing open
i found a smudge of your mascara on my thighs

from times where we were smoke and tendrils
underwater movement, thick air too much to breathe

soft fluid to lie low, drippy with our gems and flowers,
our barren bodies lost, stripped bare

you've cured my homesickness with your heartbeat
wrap me up in tart arms and seclude me to nowhere

let me be drunk
let me burn high

i want nothing more of this bulimic life
where living is more of a charity case, a pity fuck

turning you to meaningless ash beneath my fingers
these cigarettes taste like your mouth

i have written you into lies
lied you into words

my femme kiss your burning desire, your
unraveling composure

i watch the steadiness melt hard between me and you
as i ride you into your own demise

as clarity fogs, your disposition clatters
like a dinner plate

hollow sounds and traitor feelings
telling me too much

"i'm not an open book" i warn
and your eyes soften around me.


baby you know i am not making love
this is not love nor will it be

funny how we can move the same way and define it so differently
i think of the way she'd look when it happens

and you
i cannot even look at you as everything drifts

as time escapes  the great escapist
as thieves and wives rain into me,

climb into my bed long after midnight,
straddle my face and i am

like wine, delirious, sweet
i want them to sigh, i

want the earth to spin my name into clouds
so the atmosphere will claw up my spine and then

i can say i have made love to something
perhaps worth loving

but you, burning
no

this is not where i fall, enveloping you,
you inside of me, this charm of biology

watching you dissolve beneath me
there is no smoke like the kind

that has been held in my lungs
and you hold me to you.


this is nothing
we are nothing

as your fingernails tear my back
reminiscent of the flight i dream of before

the return of that pretty burn,
the stomach acid eating my throat,

gently corroding me, my hands, fingers,
running down my forearms and i try my best

to hold still and
everything collapses around me,

falling in sounds like hunger, rain, depth
i think of you and all of the girls i've ever wished for

and when your lips touch my neck i wish
you'd call me a fraud and a whore

just to again feel the white scissors of the sky
that snip my skin in small bits as months pass

to feel just as sick as i used to so i know
it wasn't all a dream, and neither are you

the rainwater drenches my thoughts
weighted as i am, heaviness is vital.

i can taste our skin under my nails.
if my regret could talk

i would scream the house down
with an aria of melancholia,

depression seeping into rage
with fingers that ache in my hope for life.

and maybe these painkillers have slept too long in my veins
maybe i am writhing in the sleepless nights

and maybe the murderers have learned to father their children
maybe i am alone again

maybe daisies grow near waterfalls
maybe i want you above me,

maybe i want you below me
maybe i want the world to silence me

or your kisses instead
maybe i want to be held

and you won't,
you won't

you won't
maybe you won't
it turned july...i watched the clock hit midnight and for some reason i didn't know it was july but it felt more significant than usual and i watched july become real while being held by you and it was interesting

xo
© 2012 - 2024 silklilies
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fervvent's avatar
you write so much and you leave nothing out and i wish i could write long poetry like you do. :heart:

(i have a stack of over 100 deviations from you. this is the oldest. i am so bad about getting through my messages and i am, just slowly, i promise.)